cause and side effect

In a few days, Aunt Flo will arrive (the dumb beeotch), and I will begin taking Lupron injections. I don't even know if I spelled that right , but basically, I'll be going through menopause for two months in the hopes that my body will then produce some protein that helps my little eggs implant into my uterine lining.

Whee.

Hot flashes, weight gain, headaches, nausea. What a gas.

I was chatting about this very medication on Twitter the other day with @LoveYouPotato, and we agreed that for all we go through with infertility (that will hopefully result in us getting pregnant and miserable for 9 months), there should be a payoff on the front end.

In side effects. 

And so, without further ado, here are my list of preferred side effects for infertility drugs and procedures:

Progesterone:  WARNING: Progesterone is sometimes used with another medication (a type of estrogen) as combination hormone replacement therapy (HRT) in women after menopause. Progesterone can have a varying amount of side effects, including but not limited to:

• stomach firming
• gas that smells like a flower garden
• dizziness experienced when you've drank just the right amount of alcohol, and no hangover
• an increased IQ, sometimes by as much as 10 points in some patients
• breast firming, swelling and lifting; call your doctor if your breasts reach your chin.
• cough that produces rainbows
• increased hair growth and thickness on the head
• an increased sense of humor, allowing many patients to handle nosy friends and neighbors who don't understand what infertility actually is or why it's a legitimate medical issue.

Lupron Injection (leuprolide acetate): WARNING: Lupron Injection is used in men to treat symptoms of prostate cancer, and in women to treat symptoms of endometriosis (overgrowth of uterine lining outside of the uterus) or uterine fibroids. Common side effects include:

• numbness and inability to feel sad; particularly when you get bad news regarding fertility
• stunted facial, bikini area and underarm hair. Some patients experience 4-6 weeks without return trips to the salon
• dewey skin, similar to Jennifer Lopez.
• ass lifting, also similar to Jennifer Lopez and/or Beyonce.
• increased sex drive, with most patients resulting in a pregnancy
• insomnia that results in amazing advances in your personal life, such as writing the next, great American novel
• sporadic toning of muscle groups, such as triceps and the gluteus maximus
• shinier hair
• accepted insurance claims that were previously rejected. Some patients experience completely covered IVF cycles, though results vary. Contact your doctor if you experience three rounds of free IVF.

Follistim: WARNING: (FSH) Follistim is used to treat certain fertility problems in women and men. In women, it helps stimulate healthy ovaries to produce eggs. This medication is usually used in combination with another hormone (hCG) to bring about the growth and release of a mature egg (ovulation). In men, it helps stimulate healthy testes to produce sperm. It is also used in combination with hCG. Potential side effects include:

• easily achieved orgasm. Contact your doctor if you experience orgasms lasting three hours or later. Or just lay there and enjoy it.
• unbridled happiness for no reason. 
•  an unusual tendency to find joy in the 4,010th daily broadcast of Iggy Azalea's "Fancy."
• deposits of random, large amounts to your checking account, not seen by the IRS.
• many patients experience their clothes fitting looser, even after binge eating Taco Bell at 3 AM for 5 nights in a row.
• tenderness in husbands' actions. Many patients experience flowers delivered for no reason, a random back rug or a trip to a luxury hotel without being asked.
• unexpected promotions at work, complete with higher pay and corner offices with a view.

Ahhh, if only...