You Know You're Pregnant When...

We all need a little humor in our lives once we finally reach that pregnancy brass ring. Because let's face it...pregnancy may be magical, but it's also a gigantic pain in the tush. So, let's not take ourselves so seriously and make a list of the inevitable pitfalls and problems that will arrive long before our little ones do.

(And PS, if you're still hoping/praying for your pregnancy, I totally understand if you don't want to read further because this might sound whiny, even though it's tongue in cheek. Protect your heart.)


You Know You're Pregnant When:

• Every shirt you own has salsa/ketchup/orange juice/pudding right down the middle of it. And you don't care.

• If one more person says "it's a little hot out to be pregnant, isn't it?" you might be indicted for homicide.

• The number of pounds you've added to your frame is consistent with the number of chins that have also been tacked on to your neck.

• You're basically an indoor plant, growing things on your body that should not be there.

• No, I'm not about to pop. I have 2 months left. Thank you for reminding me, jackass.

• You no longer care if the nursery is done and perfect when baby arrives. You just care that the baby has somewhere to sleep and poop. 

• It takes you a good 10 seconds to realize that the unfortunate person reflected in that store window is you. And you don't look good.

• You went maternity shopping exactly once and wonder why it sees to be a requirement that the sales people weigh exactly 115 pounds and have no wrinkles. Are they trying to remind you how hideous you feel?

• You try and figure out how long you can continue wearing maternity jeans/shorts after the baby is here without people knowing it. Because sweet Jesus they are amazing.

• Your husband has reminded you no less than 249 times that "you asked for this, ya know."

• You have contemplated how to murder your husband no less than 249 times

• Shaving your lady bits is just....nope. I'll just grow a forest.

• It's not that you have cravings. Cravings would mean that you are choosy about what you eat. You're not. Give you all the food.

• Pick one: either your boobs or your ass could easily have its own zip code.

• Doing your hair (or nails) is as likely as running a marathon.

• Is that acne? I haven't had that since 8th grade!

• People ask what you want for your baby shower and you want to answer with, "mostly I just want a nap."

• You start to feel horrible for all those times you judged the pregnant women in your office for being big pregnancy whiners. 

• Sleep? What's sleep? I mostly just pee all night.

• Only one side of you is tan in the summer. It's a little hard to lay on your stomach right now.

• Something as simple as getting a green light will turn you into a blubbering child with legitimate tears of happiness.

• You can no longer watch sappy movies. Your heart can't take it.

• Seriously, how did my keys end up in the refrigerator?

• You count your sick days at work every morning, contemplating how you can take just a few days off before the baby gets here.

• Yeah it's cool when the baby moves, but it kind of freaks you the feck out, too.

• You're more excited than you've ever been for something you can't even fully comprehend yet.

Happy Friday, my friends!

XOXO,