Cutting the Digital Cord: Why It's a Good Idea for Infertiles to Step Away From Social Media

The election is over and the holidays are on their way. A time for tradition, egg nog, and aggravating posts on social media:

• Sooooo blessed to find out we are expecting our 4th child in January! Guess that super birth control pill didn't work after all. LOL!

• Ugh, I hate being pregnant. Someone kill me. #notplanned #16andpregnant #MTV #selfie

• Why would anyone ever adopt? I mean, there are so many precious babies out there that need homes! #adoption #IVFisaSin

Look, we all do it. Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, SnapChat, blogs - it's how we stay connected. It's a convenient and voyeuristic way of seeing what is going on with friends and family and even perfect strangers across the globe.

But it can drive you crazy.

When I was in the throes of my fertility treatments, I often found myself tangled in the trap of social media. I'd be waiting for my umpteenth blood workup and hop quickly on my phone to keep occupied. I'd be happily reading ridiculous political posts and the occasional rant about bad customer service from a carpet cleaner, and BAM, there it would be. Pictures of my cousin's brand new baby. Mocking me. Laughing at me.

                                                     

It's enough to drive anyone batshit, yo. Unfortunately for infertiles, we're already halfway to crazy, so it basically drives us straight to the nut house in our bathrobe and curlers.

And so, after many hours of debating and thinking, I finally decided to do it. I suspended my Facebook account for three months. At the outset I was concerned about missing all the engagement announcements and "Happy Holidays from the Murphys!" photos that were sure to be abundant during that time. But in retrospect, it was exactly what I needed to do.

So if you're an infertile and you can't take one more post about Sally Jo and her kid having green diarrhea, allow me to bestow on you the 5 reasons you need to let social media go for awhile.

1) It's distracting you from what's important

You, my friend, have protocols and schedules to follow. You have medications to take and happy thoughts to be thinking. And while it's lovely to see that your best friend is pregnant for the third time, it isn't doing you any favors. It's taking your eye off the proverbial ball (the ball being a baby). Instead of focusing on your own pregnancy journey, you're now having the "WHY NOT ME??!!!" conversation in your head.

                 

Instead of logging on to Instagram, step away and go for a walk. Hell, eat a banana. Or, if you refuse to delete these apps altogether, considering hiding those people you know that are pregnant or just had a baby (trust me, I won't mind). Focus on yourself and your journey.

2) It's making you grumpy

How many times has your RE told you that keeping a positive attitude and a light heart is vital to the fertility process? Every time you see a post about a baby, your heart clenches. You plaster on a smile and pretend it's all good. Your body knows better. It can feel the tension and the anger.. It knows the reason you're snapping at your barista for failing to make a non-fat latte isn't because it's early in the morning. It's because your insides and your mind are in pain.

Your body is smart. It knows when you're lying to yourself.

3) Deleting social media might just improve your social life

Can you imagine how awesome your friends will think you are when you send them an email or a text to tell them happy birthday rather than a Facebook post? Or if you actually call them to see how the first day of their new job went? #friendoftheyear

When I first suspended my Facebook account, I didn't tell anyone I was leaving, I just went. Over the next few days, several people emailed or texted me asking why I'd dropped off Facebook. I explained that it was getting to be a bit much for me and I needed a break. And you know what? Not much changed. The people that I truly enjoyed following started to email me or text me more often. I didn't miss much of anything (especially those awesome political posts from random family members I barely speak to anyway). 

I found that if something was vitlaly important, and a person was special to me, they found a way to communicate their news. And I didn't risk a mental breakdown in order to hear about it.

4) Your husband/partner will feel special again

I am so guilty of checking my stupid social media when Hubs and I are eating. What a terrible, atrocious, rude habit. But guess what? Once I deleted those apps, I had nothing to "check" anymore. I just had him. One night at dinner he actually said, "Hmmm, something's different. Oh, I know. You haven't looked at your phone once."

We were suddenly having complete conversations without stealing glances at our devices. I felt more connected to him than ever. And really, when you're going through infertility stuff, feeling connected to the father of the child you're hoping to create is kind of a big deal. Attention must be paid.

5) No accidental advertisements

Twitter and Facebook and Google are smart to a fault. So if you've ever written an update mentioning the word "pregnant", chances are those sites think you're preggers. Subsequently, you will start to see ads for bottles, diapers and baby clothes in your Facebook feed or off to the side of your Gchat. These sites aren't trying to hurt you, but it's still a knife to the gut when you see an ads for 30% diapers.

                                

By unplugging those social media outlets, you once again start to take control of what you see. Remember, you can't scroll into an advertisement for breast pumps on Facebook if you AREN'T ON FACEBOOK.

*****

Bottom line- I'm not saying leave Facebook and Twitter and Instagram forever. Maybe keep one and ditch the others. I maintained a relationship with my Instagram the entire time I dumped Facebook and that worked for me. But protect your heart. Clean out the clutter that is keeping you from focusing 100% on making a baby. This is one of the most important things in your life and you don't want something as stupid as a tweet impeding your focus. After some time has passed and you feel like you can handle a rant about "Synthetic Babies" from your Aunt Ethel, consider coming back. 

And in the meantime...don't give up cool infertility blogs. :)

Looking back...

I don't know who "they" are, but apparently "they" say looking back isn't a wise thing to do because it prevents you from moving truly forward.

I say horseshit.

As an infertile, sometimes looking back is the only way to see just how far I've come. (Surely that's a Maya Angelou quote...or I'm just amazing.) If I didn't have the strength to look back, I wouldn't be able to see that one year ago, I was in Colorado, living at my friend's house, sticking myself with injections every day, and waiting patiently for my retrieval date. Every morning I would wake up, convinced I was at home, and then reality would set in. I would remember that I was far from home, without my husband (who would come later), living off of my friends' hospitality, all in the hope that this journey would end with a pregnancy.

It wasn't an easy time for me.

But, because I look back, I can smile at that time. I can laugh at the day I tried to go buy my in laws a Christmas present at a nearby Crate and Barrel, and was so terrified of the Colorado traffic that I turned the car around and went right back to the house (with a detour to buy ice cream, of course). I can finally grin at the memory of telling myself, "If you can get through this Gonal F injection, you can rent Serendipity," because I knew a Christmas movie would cheer me up. I can get all warm and fuzzy thinking about how my selfless friend Lindsey asking me what she could bring me home for dinner, as I sat on her plush couch, watching her TV, reading her books. 

Most importantly, I can look back and not have my heart break as I recall the pain and turmoil I was experiencing as my retrieval date grew closer. I don't have to wince at the memory of giving myself an injection in the Dick's Sporting Goods bathroom. I no longer live in fear of it all not working. 

Because it did work. 

My son is sleeping in his crib right now. I can go in and watch him breathe. I can look at his fingers and his toes and pinch them ever so gently to know he's real. I can hold him up to my breast and feed him, sustaining his life with my own. All because I went through that pain and suffering and misery a year ago.

Just one year.

I always thought that if I looked back on infertility, I would surely think about how it was the worst time of my life and how much I hated it. But quite the opposite has happened. I truly look back on my time in Colorado and throughout my infertility and feel proud. Accomplished. I feel invincible. Then I look back on my birth story and feel even more proud, accomplished and invincible. By golly, by George, I can do anything. If I can handle all of that, I can handle no sleep, engorged boobs, and crying fits at 3 AM. I can handle teething and potty training and first dates and puberty. I can and I will handle it all like a champ.

And I will look back on all of it. And I will smile.

Happy Holidays, all! Here's a photo from our fall family shoot. Wishing you a wonderful holiday season!

 

XOXO,

My IVF Retrieval, Part 1: Getting to the point. Literally.

When you're completing an IVF cycle, one of the things you have to do - unless you're using donor eggs- is a retrieval.

"Retrieval" is a fancy, non-threatening word for "we head up into your yahoo and pull out a bunch of follicles that we create by turning you into a human pin cushion for two weeks."

The retrieval itself isn't bad (more on that in the next segment), but I won't lie, the process leading up to it is more intense than I imagined. Would you like to hear my story?

(If you don't, stop reading, cuz I'm going to tell you anyway.)

I won't go into the entire nitty-gritty, because that would literally be a 45-minute read. I'll just hit the highlights.

For me, my retrieval was about 600 miles from home at CCRM in Lone Tree, Colorado. Thus far, I have been very pleased with CCRM. As with any fertility clinic, some people have good experiences, some have bad. I've been pretty lucky. They are an extremely busy clinic, so not everyone is going to remember your name every day. I'm totally okay with that as long as people are nice to me, which they have been.

So, after your blood levels are reported to your clinic on a particular day in your cycle, they determine your calendar. Basically, this calendar will tell you what injections to take, when, and how much. It is a lot of information to take in, and you won't understand it all (unless you're a genius, in which case, congratulations).

The biggest piece of advice I can give you is ASK QUESTIONS. For CCRM, they kind of assume you know what you're doing unless you tell them otherwise. So tell them otherwise. Also never, ever assume your medications have been ordered. Follow up with the pharmacy and make double sure they've been ordered, because if you miss your start date, you can say goodbye to that month's retrieval and you'll cry in your bathroom for three hours. Timing is way important here, and you don't want to have to put everything off because you missed a day of medication.

So...the medication. Holy shnikes, it's a lot. Like, a whole lot. Here's a lovely photo to see what sorts of goodies you can be expecting.

See? Overhwelming. And I didn't even put all the needles and vitamins and gauze in the picture. But don't fret, you can always refer back to your calendar or medication sheet if you get confused. You're probably going to be put on a regimen of Menopur/Repronex with Gonal-F/Follistim and possibly Cetrotide/Ganirelix. Dude, I'm not a doctor so I can't tell you why you get one brand of meds over the other. Just listen to your quack and do what he/she tells you.

This isn't a tutorial so I'm not going to explain to you all the ins and outs of injections. I'll just talk about how much they suck. I'm kidding, they aren't that bad.

That's a lie, they do suck.

Here's the thing with injections. It's a needle. Every time. You can't opt out of the needles and the injections. If you want a kid via IVF, you've got be a big kid yourself and take the damn shots.

For the first shot you ever take, may I highly recommend enlisting your hubby/partner? Cuz they will love that shit. I mean, c'mon. All those months of hearing us bitch and moan about how annoying this process is? They're due to inflict a little pain on us.

In my case, my first injection took place on Thanksgiving morning. Neat. Here, have some turkey and the SCARIEST MOMENT OF YOUR LIFE all on the same day. But hey, if it doesn't go well, you can just drown your sorrows with wine.

Oh wait, no you can't because you can't have booze with an IVF cycle. Or caffeine. 

Two thumbs up!!

Okay, so, for me it was a Menopur injection first. With Menopur, you have to mix the medication with saline. It's kind of complex. There's a lot of withdrawing vials of saline and injecting into another vial of powder and mixing and switching out needles and prepping the area...eek. CCRM has videos to help, but when you're doing this for the first time, everything sounds way harder than it is.

I might have had a panic attack.

We were instructed to inject two vials of Menopur. But wait...does that mean we use two vials of saline to mix the two vials of Menopur? Or one? Or neither?

Dear God, we're going to kill me.

CCRM is closed up tighter than a drum on Thanksgiving so Hubs just said we'd have to guess. Um, no. I am not guessing on this one, thanks. CCRM does have an "emergency line", but if you call and it's not really an emergency, they charge you major dough. So that option was out, too. In the end, I called the pharmacy we received the meds from, and they had a 24-hour question line.

Write that down. CALL YOUR PHARMACY IF YOU HAVE QUESTIONS. The pharmacy people were way awesome and explained everything in exquisite detail, so I felt much less like throwing myself off a very tall building.

It was injection time.

Truthfully the needle isn't that big. But still, it's a needle going into my body against my will to inject something that may or may not make me go all coo coo. Hubs prepared the vial with the mixing needle, then switched to the smaller needle (thank God, because the prep needle is like, 4" long) and grabbed my fat.

Yes, my fat. 

To inject the medication properly, you must do it subcutaneously. (Don't ask me to say it out loud, cuz it'll come out "subcretatiously". This isn't a dinosaur movie.) Basically this means that every day when you take your injections, you get to be reminded of those cheeseburgers you shouldn't have eaten over the last decade. You pinch an inch on your gut and stick the sucker in.

I've seen blogs where people take photos of doing this. Those people also have six pack abs. You will not be receiving a similar visual from me, thankyouverymuch. The only six pack I have is of Dr. Pepper in my refrigerator and I can't even drink them because I can't have caffeine.

Life is so unfair sometimes.

I chose not to watch as Hubs did the injection, and for me, that was helpful. I don't get a kick out of watching a sharp object penetrate into the sole reason I can't fit into a size 4 pair of pants. Besides, watching was unnecessary anyway because I felt plenty. Menopur stings a bit. Of course the first time you do it, you're already on edge, which likely makes the whole experience more intense. In fact, after my first injection that Thanksgiving morning, I was convinced we had done it wrong.

"It stings, babe!" I cried at my poor husband. "No really, it stings!! I think we did it wrong. OH MY GOD, WHAT IF THERE'S AN AIR BUBBLE! Should we call 911? What if we injected too much? Will I die??"

Ever the calm influence, Hubs assured me we had done everything correctly and to the letter and he was sure the sting would go away. It did. Damn, Hubs, always being right.

So that was done. Dramatic, yes, but not terrible. And I only had to do it like, 11 more times over the course of the next two weeks! *eyeroll*

Eventually we also added in injections of Gonal-F and Cetrotide every day. For those of you not counting, that's anywhere between 3-4 injections every day. Both the Gonal-F and the Cetrotide are refrigerated, so be sure to keep them cold. And be sure to let them sit out for 1/2 an hour before you inject them. I swear when they're cold, it hurts more.

Now...side effects. This is the part of the blog where I actually get to tell you something amazing. My side effects were tolerable. I was expecting to go Glenn Close crazy and fix Hubs a rabbit stew at some point. That's what the Internet said to expect and the INTERNET IS ALWAYS RIGHT. But it never happened. I got cray cray bloated and yeah, one or two headaches showed up. Other that, nada. Part of it might have been that I was in Colorado and got to go on these beautiful walks every day and enjoy my surroundings. Whatever it was, it it made me glad that I wasn't miserable.

CCRM wanted me doing daily blood draws and ultrasounds during the last week leading up to the transfer, so I headed out on December 1st. Hubs didn't have enough vacation to come out with me, so he had to fly out several days later, which meant I had to do my injections myself while I waited for him to arrive. I didn't think I could do it. Truly. I considered just backing out and calling the whole thing off. That's how terrified I was of injecting myself.

You guys, it wasn't that bad. Wanna hear something nuts? After the second or third day, I sort of started enjoying doing the injections. I turned it into a game. 

• 5 points for every time I didn't take more than one attempt to get the needle in.
• 5 points if I could do the injection and not say "ow", "ooh", "ahhh", or "GOD DAMMIT THIS SUCKS SO FECKING BAD!"
• 15 points if I remembered to get the air bubbles out (PS, you won't die if there's an air bubble. That's only when you're sticking a vein. I looked it up.)
• 20,000 points for injecting a spot that didn't result in a bruise
• 50,000 points if I could refrain from yelling, "I DID IT!" after every injection

The points system didn't really mean anything. I tried to convince Hubs to let the culmination result in a Michael Kors purse.

That didn't go anywhere fast.

Throughout the whole process, you'll be monitored via blood work and ultrasounds. The nurses will tell you how many follicles are developing and how your uterine lining is looking. They'll root around up in your vag and take pics of all the follicles and it's not pleasant, but it's no effing HSG or Uterine Biopsy. 

And for that you can thank your lucky stars.

My ultrasounds indicated close to 33 follicles developing which is a bumper crop for sure. I never thought we'd get that many and our doc was pretty stoked too. One side effect of all those little Totino's pizza rolls in my gut was that they made my estrogen levels high. This did two things. One, my boobs basically had their own zip code. Oh my God, they were massive. Hubs loved that. Me? Not so much. Secondly, I became highly at risk for OHSS (Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome). This is not a good thing. You can read up on it on your own time, but what it translates to is, we had to move to a frozen cycle rather than fresh. This meant that I would have to head home after recovering from the retrieval and then return for the actual transfer in Colorado two weeks later.

It was a bummer for me. I was really hoping to get this all over with in one big fireworks show, but such was not the case. To hear the doc describe it, OHSS is not something you want to experience at ANY time in your life, let alone when you're in the middle of an IVF rodeo. It just isn't fun. 

So a frozen cycle it was.

After about two weeks of letting all those little follicles cook, it was time to go get 'em. And tomorrow, I'll tell you all about it...

Stay tuned, lovelies!

XOXO,

Let's go to the movies - holiday style

The holiday's are officially in full swing, and if you're like me, you desperately want to get into the spirit and stay there for the foreseeable future.

For me, Christmas spirit usually comes without me having to coax it. I naturally love this time of year and am one of those people who love Black Friday and pumpkin pie and Christmas music stations. But this year is a little different. I'm in Denver for my first fresh IVF Cycle, doing a great impression of a human pin cushion every night and morning with my 3-4 daily injections. I'm away from home and missing my friends and family and Hubs (who will get here later this week). To make matters less jolly, Hubs and I aren't putting up Christmas decorations this year. There's really no point, considering neither of us will be home to appreciate them, thus leaving the tree to be terrorized by our two cats.

No thanks.

The IVF cycle has my mind moving a million miles a minute with "what if's", and it's sort of cramping my holiday style. So, because I'm feeling more Grinch than Elf right now, I've decided to lift my spirits by making a wonderful list of the Christmas movies that will put the jingle in my Kringle. These movies are guaranteed to make you laugh, cry and shout "Merry Christmas to all! And to all a good night!"

So get some egg nog and spike it (if you aren't pregs yet), snuggle up with your BFF or Hubs or life partner or dog or cat, and let's get some Christmas Spirit up in this bee-otch!

Kim's Holiday Movie Must-Watches

Die Hard: Why not start Christmas off with a bang and lots of curse words? And a super hot Alan Rickman being all English and nasty? If you're into explosions, plot holes, bad 80's hair and Bruce Willis being a bad ass, this is the movie for you. Yippee-Ki Yay, mother f*cker.

Funny Farm: Okay, it isn't exactly a Christmas movie, per se. But damn if I don't love it. This won't be the last time Chevy Chase appears on this list, either. Two yuppies from New York move out to the country to experience the quiet life and get anything but. Can the holiday spirit of a small town keep them together? There are so many one liners in this movie, I can't even get started, because I just won't stop. All I'll say is, "Cue the deer."

Elf: I mean, duh. Will Ferrell was born to be a cheesy, sugar-addicted human raised by elves. Only Will can accuse a department store Santa of smelling like beef and cheese and get away with it. If nothing else, watch this movie for the fantastic chemistry between Will and Zoey Deschanel. Adorable.

9. Polar Express: I hesitate to put this on the list, mostly because the book is so much better. But Tom Hanks is my spirit animal and he pulls off several roles in this sugary-sweet cartoon like the Christmas pro he is. Watch this film when you feel like all of your Christmas spirit has left you...you're guaranteed to get it back and "Believe."

8. The Holiday: For years people told me about this movie and I finally gave in last year and watched it. So glad I did. Cameron Diaz is spot on as a rich, Type-A Hollywood bitch, looking for an escape where no one knows her name. Kate Winslet is perfection as an unassuming, humble English gal, looking for a little adventure in the holiday season. The two strangers switch homes for Christmas and hilarity/romance/tears ensue. This movie makes me want to drink hot chocolate and marry Jude Law. What's more Christmas-y than that?

7. Serendipity: Calling all sappy, chick flick lovers! This one's a doozy. John Cusack and Kate Beckinsale play two perfectly gorgeous New Yorkers who meet by accident, fall in love in approximately 8 minutes, and then get ripped apart by circumstance. Can fate bring them back together? This movie will always be at the top of my faves list, mostly because Hubs and I have a similar fate-esque story, and I love to believe in holiday love miracles.

Also, Jeremy Piven as the comic relief is genius. 

Home Alone: Who doesn't love watching two bad guys get the pulp beat out of them by a kindergartner?  20+ years since this film came out and I will literally still watch it in the dead of summer when it's 102 degrees outside. I can't get enough of Katherine O'Hara as Kevin's neurotic mother, mowing down anyone who attempts to block her from getting home to the son she left behind on vacation.

On a sappy note, I love the theme of "I'm not afraid anymore." As adults, we're sometimes afraid to admit that things scare us. This movie always reminds me that most of the fear is in our heads and we've got to let those around us help when we're paralyzed by that fear. (Hello, infertile friends, I'm talking to you!)

A Christmas Story: Full disclosure: I used to watch this movie several times a year, until TNT ruined everything by playing it 24/7 on Christmas. I went on a 2-3 year strike and just recently decided to let it back into my holiday foray. I'm glad to have it back. After all, Ralphie is the kid in all of us - slightly nerdy but sensitive and sweet. And dammit, he just wants a BB gun. (For girls, that translates to an EZ Bake Oven. "You'll burn your hand off, kid.")

What I love most about this movie is, it's a glimpse into a different time. Seeing Christmas through the eyes of a generation that didn't have color TV's and iPads, or hell, even microwaves. It makes me long for a simpler time, where watching a dramatic event unfold happened on the playground rather than on The Real Housewives of Whatever. I love watching Ralphie gather his courage and beat the snot out of Skut Farcus and his yellow eyes. I love seeing Ralphie's mom cover for him when he almost shoots his eye out. This is the stuff of genius and I live for it.

The Family Stone: Boy meets girl. Boy brings girl home to meet his parents for the holiday. Easy, right? Wrong.

The Family Stone is amazing for a zillion reasons, but chief among them can be summed up in three words: Diane Freakin' Keaton. Diane stars as Sybil Stone, the bohemian-esque matriarch of her liberal, somewhat snobbish family, who are hell bent on making her son's new girlfriend (Sarah Jessica Parker) as uncomfortable as possible for the holidays. They succeed with gusto. 

This movie is truly a glimpse into the dysfunction that every family has, but will never admit. The over-arching theme is, "we all love each other anyway", and that always rings true for me around the holidays. My family drives me up the wall most of the time, but there is always love there, no matter our differences. This movie hammers that sentiment home with a mix of drama, tragedy and most importantly - laughter. 

Seriously, go watch it.

Christmas Vacation: Clark Griswold is the man. He wants to host the ultimate old-fashioned family Christmas, and he'll be damned if anyone gets in his way. 

I don't know many people who haven't seen this movie, but if you're one of them, rectify that mistake immediately. Watch as Clark endures a grumpy boss, asshole neighbors and one completely white-trash cousin in an effort to bring Christmas cheer to his less-than appreciative family. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll snort egg nog up your nose. And that's what Christmas is all about.

Scrooged: Bill Murray as a miserable grump executive who hates Christmas? Can that even work? You bet your sweet holiday nuts it can. Speaking of nuts, Murray gets punched in them a few times by the Ghost of Christmas Present in this holiday hoot with a heart.

Sleepless in Seattle/You've Got Mail: I mentioned earlier that Tom Hanks is my spirit animal. This couldn't be more true than in either of these movies. Tom is the perfect blend of sweetness, chivalry and sarcasm in both films. Meg Ryan is in her element as quirky, self-conscious and annoying. They belong together. Watch them as they figure it out.

Love Actually: I actually love the British. They pull every heart string I have out of its socket and then lovingly put it all back together again. This is the only holiday movie (except for maybe Christmas Vacation) that Hubs will voluntarily watch. He even asks to watch it every year! So, if you're going to make your macho macho man watch a holiday movie, break this one out.

Follow along as 8 love stories collide with hilarity, satire, loneliness, and passion. There's plenty of Christmas eye-candy in it too, including Hugh Grant (sex on a sugar-coated stick), Alan Rickman, Colin Firth and Liam Neeson. Oh, and that guy from "Walking Dead."

What else could you ask for Santa to bring you? (Well, one of those men naked in my living room would work fine.)

*****

There you have it, my friends. My fave holiday movies to get jingled with. And yes, I know I left off some major holiday cartoons (aka The Grinch, Frosty the Snowman, Rudolph, Charlie Brown, etc.) But those are a given.

I would tell you to get to your local video rental store, but those are obsolete. So get to your Netflix or Amazon Prime or Apple TV or whatever piece of technology you use to watch movies, and snuggle in for a long day of amazing holiday masterpieces.

And seriously, don't forget the spiked egg nog. 

Happy Holidays!