life, love, and maybe babies

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Come Fly With Me: Airplane Etiquette You'd Better Learn or I Will Cut You

Greetings, from Denver!!

I'm here at my good friend's house (who's kindly letting me and Hubs crash in her guest room for the next 15 days) for my IVF cycle. I head to the doc this morning for an ultrasound and blood work to see how things are progressing. Stay tuned!

But, really. I'm sick of talking about infertility. I get that that's what this blog is about, but it doesn't mean it has to take up every single post.

(After all, we are not just our infertility. We're so, so much more.)

I've chosen for today's blog to be about travel. I've been doing a lot of it lately for vacations, work and all this baby business. And it's the holidays, so you're likely getting ready to do some travel of your own.

Friends, there are some idiots out there. 

Especially at airports.

Seriously, have you been on a plane lately? How on earth do the most ignorant people on the planet have the means to travel?  Stupid people should stick to cars. 

After flying to Cancun and back last week, I learned that stupid people have a pattern. They do the same things over and over again, like clockwork. 

It's very possible that I have readers that are stupid people, but I doubt it. My guess is my readers just know a lot of stupid people. So below is a list of airport etiquette that should be shared with every mother, brother, cousin, friend, co-worker, enemy and Facebook follower you have.

Let's get the word out, people.


1. It's a plane. Not your living room. Keep your shoes on.

2. Everyone knows when someone farts. Don't be that person. Hold it in.

3. "Dora the Explorer" is not for everyone. Slap some headphones on your kids' ears.

4. I'm so glad you're working on the DEAL OF THE CENTURY and you're going to CLOSE THIS DEAL ON THURSDAY LIKE A BOSS. Actually, I'm not glad. I'm trying to read. Zip it.

5. Keep your socks on, too. Seriously, your feet stink.

6. Did you really not explain to your 7 year old that his ears would pop? This five alarm freak out is a little unnecessary, especially since you're ignoring him and making it worse. Give him some attention, dammit!

7. The line out of the plane has the same rules as a line Target, Post Office, Disneyland, etc. The people at the front get off first, the people at the back get off last. You don't get to run to the front of the plane the second it comes to its full and complete stop. That's cheating, and I will straight up trip you as you run down the aisle way if you try it. Even if you're 75 years old.

8. Don't read over my shoulder. I want my own private moments with Christian Grey.

9. Yes, it's a good book. That's why I'm reading it. Don't ask me what it's about because I'm READING A BOOK.

10. If you're standing in the aisle, waiting to exit the plan, keep your hips forward. When you stand sideways, you put your ass IN MY FACE. I don't want your ass in my face.

11. You know you're getting on an airplane for two hours. Remember those rules from when you were two and go to the bathroom before you get on the plane.

12. The flight attendant is a person, not your personal slave. Do what she says without an attitude, and if you order a complicated drink, I will "accidentally" bump her arm when she gives it to you so it spills all over your ugly Brooks Brothers pants.

13. Headphones mean "don't talk to me", not, "tap me on the shoulder until I take my headphones out and talk to you about climate change."

14. "Whisper reading" is for 6 year-olds that have just learned to read. If you can't read without vocalizing, just don't read.

15. Did you really bring shopping bags on this airplane? Oh, no you didn't.

16. Take a bath before you board. Not in cologne, not in perfume. In a shower with soap.

17. Put your bag in your own overhead bin. If you have to walk 8 bins down to find a space, that means you get to wait until everyone is off the plane to go get it. Sorry. Life sucks sometimes.

18. If you want your child to exit the plane with all limbs in tact, keep their feet and hands off my seat. That goes for you, too.

19. Don't be the asshole that reclines his seat the whole way back. One or two inches is plenty. This isn't the Four Seasons.

20. If you are sick, STAY OFF THE PLANE.

21. 35,000 feet in the air at 6:39 in the morning is not the time to discuss with your seatmate the politics of the moment. I have a pen in my purse, and I am dangerously close to stabbing you in the eye with it.

22. Don't you dare sing along with your music.

23. Have a pleasant flight!  

What's your biggest plane/airport pet peeve? Which ones did I leave out?

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