life, love, and maybe babies

Thursday, April 30, 2015

Too Traumatic Thursday

This blog tends to deal with heavy stuff. Infertility and pregnancy can get a little deep for a Thursday afternoon. So, I've decided to try something. From this time on, Thursdays will now be known as Too Traumatic Thursday (TTT), and will devoted to ridiculous stories that lovingly display my knack for embarrassing situations and/or falls down flights of stairs and trips over rocks that aren't there. After all, there is more to life than infertility and Gonal F injections, right?

But guess what? This isn't just for me! I know there are a lot of you out there who have had your share of cringe worthy moments and you're dying to share them. So do it! If you post a Too Traumatic Thursday story on your blog, link to my blog and then let me know in the comments below and I will link to it on this blog. Then everyone can share in your misery as well as mine!

It's a win win.

We'll start slow, because this is the first one. I'll save the inevitable "I pooped my pants" stories (yes, that's plural) for another day. As it happens, today's Too Traumatic story happened only one week ago. I'd like to chalk this one up to pregnancy brain, but really, this is totally something I would do while pregnant with child or not. 

Here's what happened:

It was a busy Wednesday afternoon. I had to travel three hours to the north and back for a quick work trip (these are pretty common for me) and my head was all over the place. I was just days away from "coming out" during National Infertility Awareness Week, I had bills to pay, my dog needed to go to the get the picture. I just wasn't focused. 

The long drive north had mostly mellowed me out, but I was still feeling like I needed something to take the edge off. Wine or beer was clearly not an option for Pregnant McGee, so caffeine was the next best option. I hadn't had any caffeine in over 4 weeks except for an occasional iced tea, but I figured today of all days I could bend the rules a bit. (And truth be told, I had eaten lunch meat the day prior. *gasp*) 

My last meeting of the day ended and I geared up to head out of town, happy I had survived the day. Before getting on the highway toward home, a big green Starbucks sign screamed at me, "YOU KNOW YOU WANT A LATTE." And the big green sign was right. I did want a latte. A big, foamy, calorie induced latte with maybe even a little whipped cream on top. I flashed on my turn signal and pulled in.

The drive through had approximately 392 cars in it. Awesome. However, I was listening to the most recent "Undisclosed" pod cast, so I was happily distracted. (If you're a "Serial" fan, listen to "Undisclosed". It's like a deeper dive into the murder of Hae Min Lee and her ex-boyfriend Adnan Syed's potentially unnecessary arrest. Amaze.) 

The long line of cars moved along smoothly and slowly, and 15 minutes later I was really into the story playing through my Bluetooth. Would Adnan be freed? Did Jay really do it and frame him? The short blast of a car horn woke me from my day dream and I realized I needed to pull up to the window. Shit - I didn't even have my money ready yet! I reached over and grabbed my wallet as I rolled down my window and approached the check out.

"Hi, hi! Sorry about that!" I said frantically as I pulled up, embarrassed for making the poor Starbucks guy wait.

"Hey there. You had the mocha frappucino, no whip, right?" he asked, double checking.

"Actually no, I had the..." And then it hit me. I had no recollection of actually ordering anything. Probably because I HADN'T ORDERED ANYTHING. In my frazzled state, I had passed right by the order window. Moron, party of one.

"Um, I forgot to stop and order," I said, my voice quiet.

"Oh, okay." Starbucks guy looked confused. "I mean, did you want to-"

"No, it's fine! Haha - bye!!"

Yes, that's right friends. I was so mortified at my mistake that I just rolled up my window and peeled out of the drive through. After waiting in line for over 15 minutes, I was too embarrassed to just order at the actual window. I DROVE AWAY. So now I had wasted 15 minutes that I could have been on the road and didn't even have a delicious beverage to calm myself.

Hubs laughed at me when I told him later. He said, "the fact that you just drove away rather than ordering something just makes me sad for you."

It was a great day.


Okay, this concludes my very first Too Traumatic Thursday post. Do you have a traumatic moment to share? It can be anything! Post it on your blog or your Facebook and link back to my blog. Then we'll share in the embarrassing story love together!


Friday, April 24, 2015

I'm coming out...

One year ago I remember National Infertility Awareness Week coming and going and doing all I could not to read posts about it. At that time, we had just found that our second round of IUI had not taken and IVF (in vitro) was likely our next and necessary option. I wasn't ready for that. I had been so sure that IUI would work and we would be pregnant by spring, I just wasn't prepared to start looking down the IVF road mentally or financially.

The NIAW (National Infertility Awareness Week) posts in my Facebook and Twitter feed last year encouraged me to stay strong and to rely on friends and family and to be proud of who I was as an infertile. But I just couldn't get to that place in my head. I felt like a huge, fat, failure. I wasn't strong. I wasn't proud. I cried almost every day and hated myself on the rare days I wasn't crying. I blamed genetics and bad luck and any God that was out there for what was happening to me. I didn't want people to see me at my absolute worst. Ironically, that's probably when I needed them the most.

In the end, I let Infertility Awareness Week pass me by without sharing my story. Now, a year later, things have changed. At 18 weeks pregnant via the miracle of IVF, I finally feel like I'm ready. I'm still not strong by any means and I won't lie, I'm a little nervous to let people in. But here's why I'm so sure I want to. Last year when w was so upset and angry and confused, I would have loved to have known there were more people out there that were experiencing what I was experiencing. I personally only knew of a handful. But I also knew that infertility affects 1 in 8 couples, so the number of people that I knew didn't line up with the numbers. That meant there were other women and couples our there like me that were suffering and staying silent, which is their absolute right. But this year, I want to be the person that's there for someone who is struggling and doesn't necessarily want to come right out and shout it from the rooftops. Someone who feels like this tunnel of tests and probing and more testing and more probing will never end. Someone who wonders if anyone out there can possibly imagine what they are going through.

I can. And I did. And I do.

I am so immensely grateful for the people in our lives this last year who gave a listening ear, opened their homes while we crashed for two weeks, sent me flowers and cards and who just called to say, "how are you?" as I went through my IVF cycle. I will never be able to repay those friends who walked me through the process they themselves had been through, or those that said, without prompting, "Colorado flights are expensive, here's my Southwest points to use." That kind of kindness will never be able to be repaid. I want more of that kindness to be spread to those going through infertility. 

The best time to start repaying that kindness is now, so here I am.

If you're reading this blog for the first time after finding it via my FB post, maybe you know someone who is dealing with infertility. Maybe you yourself are. Perhaps you've never even heard the word "infertility". Regardless, I am here as an ear to listen, to share, to help in any way I can. I don't have all the answers but I might have some. I don't have any guarantees but I do have some funny stories to help take your mind off that giant elephant on your back. That's the least I can do.

This blog started as an infertility venting session. Now it's grown into life stories, pregnancy stories, and in a few short months, parenting stories. I hope if you stumbled across it and like what you read, you'll stick around and join in the conversation. Even though I may be pregnant, I may never fully heal from the scars that infertility left behind. Writing about those experiences will help me heal, and hopefully it can help you out, too.

So, I'm coming out. I am an infertile. I still think about it every day. My baby was created in a totally different way than the majority of other babies, and so what? I am stronger because of it. I know there are a lot of women and couples out there who are bobbing along in them fertility boat with me, just trying to keep it from sinking. We have nothing to hide from. We have nothing to be ashamed of.

We're all in this together.


Tuesday, April 14, 2015

I'm baaaack

Hi, my little infertile, fertile and pregnant bloggie pals! I hope you're all doing wonderfully and life is good.

I have to apologize for my major absence lately. It's the oldest line in the book, but it just happens to be true...I am a busy bee. Work is insane, the stepkids are in the throes of spring break and boyfriends and make ups and breakups - and of course, I'm 16 weeks preggers.

Speaking of...

I have held back on new blog posts because of pregnancy. I started this blog as a desperate infertile beginning her journey into the IVF world. Once it worked (after the first try!) I started to feel guilty about waving my pregnancy in front of my readers because so many of you are still trying and feeling sad or defeated. I don't want to be that person that gets pregnant and suddenly forgets how hard it was to get here. By that same token, I don't want to whine about my pregnancy but....

Holy crap it's hard. 

Like, way hard. And I'm not even one of those pregnant ladies that gets sick!

Basically I'm a huge wimp. This is not news.

So, you can imagine how awesome it would be for my infertile friends to read a blog about how uncomfortable I am, etc. etc. I mean, talk about rubbing salt in the womb.

All that being said, I am considering moving this blog over to my personal blog that I've had for years and haven't written on in awhile. That way, people who come to see it will go with the knowledge that I'm likely writing about pregnancy and the ups and downs that go with it, and not necessarily about infertility. If I decide to go that route, I'll still keep my Twitter handle, but it will link to my personal blog rather than this one, if that makes sense. I haven't made any decisions yet, but I just feel that writing blogs about pregnancy under a blog that's about infertility seems...weird. And kind of braggy.

What do you all think?


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