life, love, and maybe babies

Friday, July 31, 2015

You Know You're Pregnant When...

We all need a little humor in our lives once we finally reach that pregnancy brass ring. Because let's face it...pregnancy may be magical, but it's also a gigantic pain in the tush. So, let's not take ourselves so seriously and make a list of the inevitable pitfalls and problems that will arrive long before our little ones do.

(And PS, if you're still hoping/praying for your pregnancy, I totally understand if you don't want to read further because this might sound whiny, even though it's tongue in cheek. Protect your heart.)

You Know You're Pregnant When:

  • Every shirt you own has salsa/ketchup/orange juice/pudding right down the middle of it. And you don't care.
  • If one more person says "it's a little hot out to be pregnant, isn't it?" you might be indicted for homicide.
  • The number of pounds you've added to your frame is consistent with the number of chins that have also been tacked on to your neck.
  • You're basically an indoor plant, growing things on your body that should not be there.
  • No, I'm not about to pop. I have 2 months left. Thank you for reminding me, jackass.
  • You no longer care if the nursery is done and perfect when baby arrives. You just care that the baby has somewhere to sleep and poop. 
  • It takes you a good 10 seconds to realize that the unfortunate person reflected in that store window is you. And you don't look good.
  • You went maternity shopping exactly once and wonder why it sees to be a requirement that the sales people weigh exactly 115 pounds and have no wrinkles. Are they trying to remind you how hideous you feel?
  • You try and figure out how long you can continue wearing maternity jeans/shorts after the baby is here without people knowing it. Because sweet Jesus they are amazing.
  • Your husband has reminded you no less than 249 times that "you asked for this, ya know."
  • You have contemplated how to murder your husband no less than 249 times
  • Shaving your lady bits is just....nope. I'll just grow a forest.
  • It's not that you have cravings. Cravings would mean that you are choosy about what you eat. You're not. Give you all the food.
  • Pick one: either your boobs or your ass could easily have its own zip code.
  • Doing your hair (or nails) is as likely as running a marathon.
  • Is that acne? I haven't had that since 8th grade!
  • People ask what you want for your baby shower and you want to answer with, "mostly I just want a nap."
  • You start to feel horrible for all those times you judged the pregnant women in your office for being big pregnancy whiners. 
  • Sleep? What's sleep? I mostly just pee all night.
  • Only one side of you is tan in the summer. It's a little hard to lay on your stomach right now.
  • Something as simple as getting a green light will turn you into a blubbering child with legitimate tears of happiness.
  • You can no longer watch sappy movies. Your heart can't take it.
  • Seriously, how did my keys end up in the refrigerator?
  • You count your sick days at work every morning, contemplating how you can take just a few days off before the baby gets here.
  • Yeah it's cool when the baby moves, but it kind of freaks you the feck out, too.
  • You're more excited than you've ever been for something you can't even fully comprehend yet.

Happy Friday, my friends!


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