life, love, and maybe babies

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

when in doubt, don't ask

It amazes me how insensitive and simultaneously nosy people can be when it comes to what they will ask a complete stranger.

Case in point, the other day I was getting my eyebrows waxed with a gal I had never used before. If you've never had your eyebrows waxed, the whole process takes maybe 6 minutes from start to finish. You're esthetician isn't someone you spend a great deal of time with, and it isn't someone you're likely to share your deepest secrets with.

But this gal saw the ring on my finger. She complimented it and asked how long I'd been married. I replied that we just passed the 7 year mark in July and yes, we were very happy and loved our life. Yes, we do own a house and we love it.

You guys. The question that followed floored me. She did some mental math in her head (it took awhile) and then she whistled quietly and said, "Wow - you'd better move along if you want kids, right?"

I almost fell off the table. I also considered pouring the hot wax on her head. I did neither and simply replied, "if it happens, it happens." 

(Incidentally, she got no tip.)

This leads me to ask you...what is the most annoying fertility question or statement you've ever been faced with? For me, it is the following:

1) You're not drinking tonight? ARE YOU PREGNANT!!??

This question seems to come from people who a) barely know me and b) I don't particularly like. Maybe the fact that they think this is an acceptable question is what makes me not like them. The fact is, there are approximately 465 reasons that I can think of that could contribute to me not drinking.

* Maybe I'm a recovering alcoholic
* Maybe I actually believe in designated drivers and have assumed that role tonight
* Maybe I'm on medication 
* Maybe I'm trying to get pregnant and haven't succeeded yet
* Maybe I've just completed an IVF cycle or IUI cycle and have been told not to drink 
* Maybe I hate beer and that's all that's here
* Maybe my social life doesn't involve around alcohol

It really doesn't matter the reason. There is no time and no place in which it is acceptable to ask a woman who is without an alcoholic beverage if she is pregnant. NEVER.

I mean, would you walk up to a dude at a strip club and say, "I noticed you don't have a boner. ARE YOU ERECTILEY CHALLENGED??"

2) I totally know how you feel. It took me 6 months to get pregnant with Charlie...

I feel like this happens a lot when I do confide in someone (usually the wrong person) that we are struggling with infertility. I understand it comes from an honest place, but where did this obsession with one-upping each other start? Why can't someone just say, "Ooh, that sounds like a tough situation. I'm sorry to hear you're going through that. I don't know a lot about it, myself."

At the same time I start to get angry, I have to remind myself that a huge percentage of the population has NO idea what infertility really entails. They don't understand it is a medical issue. They don't know what constitutes an infertile person. And, hey, 4 years ago, neither did I. So I do try and cut some slack - if I have the patience. 

3) Well, enjoy it while you can. Before Cassie joined us, we went out to the movies all the time and now we can't! It sucks SOOOOO bad.

This is one of the most insulting things I've heard during my infertility. Seriously? You think I should be glad that I'm spending thousands of dollars and putting my body through some of the most excruciating experiences ever because I can still go to a movie when I want? As if that's what is important to me? Again, this is usually someone who just isn't thinking about what they're saying, trying to put a positive spin on things. But it doesn't work and usually makes me want to hurt someone really, really badly.

4) I heard you're struggling with getting pregnant. Want one of mine?  HEE HEEE HEE! 

 Seriously. Shut up.

5) I just KNOW it's going to happen for you. OOH! If you get pregnant by March than our kids will only be 3 months apart! Maybe they'll get married someday!

Here's my problem with this. I understand it's people thinking positively and wanting things to work out. But you can't possibly know it's going to work out. There are people who never have biological children. They are out there...and I could be one of them. At some point the money will run out. At some point, we will have to walk away if things don't happen. And you promising me that it will all work out? Just makes me feel that much worse.    
6) You need to try acupuncture/clean eating/paleo diet/yoga/gargling orange juice/praying.

If my doctor isn't telling me to do it, I'm not doing it. Thanks, bye.

7) Okay, you totally won't believe me, but I knew this girl...

...who couldn't get pregnant and then she stopped trying and then they decided to adopt and the day they filed their paperwork they got pregnant?

Yes, I've heard that story 42 times. I've heard it all. Please don't tell me any more stories. 

Maybe just listen to mine.



Angela said...

This is by far the meanest thing so far:

Maybe if you can't afford kids, it's a sign. I mean, if you can't afford IVF you obviously can't afford children.

And it always comes from someone who has children. ALWAYS.

Kim said...

Wow, that is a mean one! I mean, I have a car that I make payments on. That seems a lot more superficial and shallow than making payments for a child of my own! I hate judgey judgersons.

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